Alabama Derby Results in 15 Horse Pileup

The first ever Alabama Derby produced a spectacular 15 horse pileup, as well as Tony Stewart's first victory in the horseback division. Also for the first time in several decades, a filly almost finished second.

The NASCAR teams unanimously abandoned their favorite pony cars for horses after new restrictor plate restrictions lowered the maximum allowable horsepower from 750 to 1. After several attempts on riding lawnmowers, the various teams decided independently that nature had already found the optimal solution for a one-horsepower racing conveyance.

"The solution was under our noses this whole time, but we just didn't have the horse sense to smell it," race winner Stewart explained.

While the restrictor plates didn't seem to bother the horses, preparing the animals for Sunday's race at the Talladega Superspeedway presented several technical challenges.

"We just couldn't find a way to stick all those decals on our new vehicles," Stewart fumed, "they need to make horses bigger or something."

Pit stops also had to be refurbished with farriers, water, and carrots.

NASCAR implemented the controversial restrictor plate regulations in response to several fatal crashes and excessive noise complaints from neighbors. The rising cost of gasoline has also been cited as a concern, while the price of hay has remained fairly in the stable.

The race was paced by the Budweiser clydesdales. The pack formed quickly, although some announcers couldn't resist the temptation to call it a "herd". The caution flag came out several times early in the race for debris, which was later determined to be road apples.

"The Big One" began at the bottom of turn 2, when Kevin LePage, Horse #61, exited the pits for a loose horseshoe and cut in front of the pack at a trot. The race leaders were able to dodge him, but Carl Edwards, #60, collided with him, causing his horse to spin out. This began a massive 15 horse pileup that took Kyle Busch and Steven Wallace as well as Edwards and LePage out of the race. All horses walked away from the wreck.

"I was just lucky I didn't get a ribcage through the stirrups," Edwards explained after the race. LePage later apologized for starting the melee, although it thrilled most of the fans.

On the final lap, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. made a strong push with his filly to pass Tony Stewart, but she got tired and faded to sixth. Stewart took the checkered flag, his first for horseback racing.

"I will finish first one of these days," Earnhardt promised his restless fans, "Whether it be on a filly, mare, gelding, old nag, or race car, I will finish first in something." He also explained that a "filly" is a horse used to make philly steak and cheese, as many NASCAR fans were unfamiliar with the term.

Many celebrities attended the race, and the fans were noticeably better dressed than at most NASCAR events. Posthumous Gonzo journalist Hunter Thompson was also in attendance, penning a piece entitled "The Alabama Derby is Decadent and Depraved".

"This race is like rolling down an escalator shaft and getting raveled in a spool of mermites," Thompson crypt quiptically as the University of Huntsville band played "Sweet Home Alabama" in the background.

"But I really don't give a hoot in hell what happens on the track. I came here to watch the real beasts perform."