Angry Man Beats Mob

Mob violence caused several dozen injuries last Wednesday after the mob was targeted by an angry man in a Portland-area Barnes & Noble. The man, who was not identified, was apparently provoked by mass line-cutting at the store's Starbucks Coffee Bar.

"Yeah, first this one guy cut in front of him," said Bryan, a mob-participant and Beaverton CompUSA Regional Sales Manager who asked that his last name not be used, "and then some chick did, and I could tell he was getting pretty steamed. But you know, it's funny to watch people get mad, so everybody just started doing it, and then he started yelling, and then we all... you know, jumped him!"

The mob attacked with books, magazines, iced-coffees, muffins, and purses. Several mob participants broke into the next-door sporting goods store and stole wiffle- ball bats, but sheepishly returned them when the riot was over.

"Yeah, we really threw the book(s) at him!" one store employee with his arm in a sling reported excitedly, "I started with 'The unabridged Count of Monte Cristo', but that only went, like, 5 feet. Then I pegged him in the temple with 'Pere Goriot', but it didn't phase him - Balzac is kind of a lightweight. Then I hucked 'Catch 22', which is about 300 pages too long anyway, but it missed and smashed some girl in the face. And I threw my arm out," he complained, rubbing his shoulder.

Due to their numerical superiority, the mob was quickly subdued by the man.

"I threw my mocha frappuccino in his face to give him a 'brain-freeze'," one man with a black eye gloated, "but it didn't work and he punched me out."

As a result of the riot, a dozen mob victims were treated in the hospital for minor contusions, abrasions, and severely bruised egos. One mob participant who was hit in the face with numerous doses of frappuccino is being treated for maltodextrin poisoning. Detectives took several samples of skin under the fingernail polish after a purse used as a club burst open. Police dispersed the crowd by tossing copies of "Soap Opera Digest" into the lobby, which Barnes & Noble customers generally find repugnant. For mob protection, the man was taken to a psychiatric hospital in "angry" condition. His condition was recently downgraded to "peeved".

Numerous charges have been filed as a result of the incident. Visa reports that it has charges for 1 Tall Vanilla Bean, 2 Venti Pumpkin Spice, 1 Tall Caramel, 3 Venti White Mocha, and 1 Grande Java Chip Iced Drink with 3 shots of espresso. MasterCard is reporting similar charges. Discover Card has not reported any charges yet, but that is expected to change once all the hazel nut syrup is cleaned out of the credit card swiper. And they don't take American Express. Visa. It's everywhere you want to lose your money.™

Neocons and other militaristic types have expressed their disappointment at the incident. "It's a sad day in America when a whole mob can't manage to beat one innocent man," hawkish Vice President Dick Cheney, best known for advocating torture and shooting his hunting partner in the butt, lamented. "I blame Hillary and the Liberals for this one."

At least one professor sees an upside to the incident. "It shows that Americans are still fascinated by the gangsta life style, which is good for rap music," Professor Snoop Dawg said from his office at the Portland Community College. Enrollment for his class 'Hooliganism 101: How to steal a ride, smack a ho, and whack a pimp' doubled following the riot.