Apple Run by Zombies, Microsoft Security Leak Shows

The second largest computer and iPod manufacturer in the world, Apple Computer and Canning Company, is run by zombies, a leaked Microsoft Memorandum has revealed. The memorandum was "accidentally" copied into the help files section "Why PCs are better than Macs" on some versions of the new Windows Vista operating system.

The implications for computer users are staggering. "We know from medieval demonology that zombies cannot create sentient beings," Sons of the Spanish Inquisition Grand Inquisitor Jose Montoyo explained, "So if Apple computer is run by zombies, all of its products must be zombies as well." Confirming evidence came from a recent survey indicating that there are 1,666,365,666 ½ zombie computers in the world - exactly the same number of computers that Apple has produced. An Apple computer spokeszombie denied the charge, mumbling over and over again that coincidences like that happen all the time.

The latest Microsoft security leak follows in the time-honored tradition of security leaks from the Seattle-based empire. They have recently changed the name of their email client from "Outlook" to "Inlook", reflecting the unprecedented access it gives hackers into user's computers. The design paradigm reflects Microsoft's corporate philosophy that "All knowledge except Microsoft software should be free."

Apple computer began in 1980 when Steve Jobs copied Windows Lisa from Bill Gates. Xerox made a copy of Apple's software, but it was illegible because it was a copy of a copy. Apple was popular in the 80's but died in the late 90's. It was resurrected in the new millennium, under suspicious circumstances, and apparently without a soul. Industry insiders and exorcists have long been wary of the close relationship between Gates and Jobs. They have charged that Gates resurrected the zombie Apple to gain control of the world while skirting anti-trust legislation. The plan apparently worked, as a federal judge ruled him "trustworthy" in 2002.

Apple immediately began their devious resurrection scheme, which was inspired by "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". They released millions of "iPods" into the world which converted ordinary computers into zombie computers by deleting the files C:\WINDOWS\system32\soul.dll and C:\WINDOWS\system32\conscience.exe. As the zombie computers lacked free will, unwary users saw certain performance improvements: they were no longer able to spontaneously crash nor notify you of inactive desktop icons. Apple eventually began releasing "pre-zombified" computers into the market, which can be identified by such characteristics as a pallid white color and a degenerated right-mouse button. At one time, patches were available to correct the moral deficiencies of these machines, but they were removed after the Vatican declared that it is impossible to download a new soul from the internet.

While luring consumers with the false sense of free choice, Bill Gates is expected to use his zombie network to wreak havoc on the world, forcing computer users to buy even more of his products to stay safe. At the same time, he is gradually converging the Apple and PC computer lines, as evidenced by Apple's adoption of the Microsoft Intel processors. The next major change is expected to be the replacement of the current UNIX operating system, which was developed in 1670 by celibate monks, with a more modern one such as Microsoft Windows.

Faced with these allegations at a recent press conference, Bill Gates responded, "MUHAHAHAHA!!!"