Army Replaces Cracked Liberty Bell

In a surprise move, the United States Army Corps of Engineers stealthily replaced the cracked 1753 brass "Liberty Bell" with a sound replica.

"We kept the plans secret, so Congress wouldn't find out and try to stop us," an Army spokesman with lots of medals reported. Congress, apparently operating under the delusion that it controls the Army, recently blocked an Army plan to replace the cracked "Tomb of the Unknown" with an Army recruiting station in Arlington National Cemetery.

The new bell, which is made of "unbreakable" titanium coated with Teflon® for easy cleaning, reads on the outside:

"PROCLAIM LIBERTY THROUGHOUT ALL THE LAND UNTO ALL THE

On the inside, in smaller letters, it reads:

Some recent visitors to Independence National Historic Park have complained about the poor spelling on the new replica. However, the inscribed spellings of "Pennsylvania" and "Philadelphia" are both considered proper in Chinglish. The Chinese sculptors were apparently also unaware that the United States has states, not provinces.

"We had the bell made in China because they offered us the lowest bid on our contract," the spokesman elaborated at a Pentagon press conference.

"Plus it seemed very appropriate at the time. China is a country that knows a thing or two about Liberty."

In addition to the superior casting materials, the bell's American Elm yoke was replaced by one made of rot-proof Trex(r), which is made from recycled coke and a few pepsi bottles. Elm wood is frequently stolen by wood-hungry Quakers, a form of kleptomania known as "Pennsylvania Dutch Elm Disease".

"They just go crazy when they see elm wood," a park service employee lamented, noting that the park has had many problems with Quakers before. The disease has resulted in the near extinction of elm trees in North America.

While it was commonly believed that Liberty Bell was the property of the National Park Service, it was actually secretly transferred to the Army in the Homeland Security Act of 2001. The Army has long considered it a security risk, as it could be carried away by very strong terrorists and then melted down to make cannons to bombard American cities. A similar concern in 1777 led to the Colonials removing the bell from its tower and packing it in manure to keep it out of British hands. While the Army considered a similar scheme, they insisted they had an insufficient supply of BS to pull it off.

"Try the Navy," the spokesman suggested.

The old bell has been melted down, and the recovered metal will be used to supply decorations for officer's uniforms, the spokesman confirmed. The salvaged brass will be sufficient for the Army to hire two new 3 star generals, and one 4 star general. The Army has long suffered from a lack of generals, a fact that the organization insists has complicated the situation in Iraq. In an unrelated requisition, the Army also purchased three new armchairs.

Though apparently the last, this is not the first time the bell has left Park Service property. Taco Bell purchased the damaged relic on April 1 of 1996, renaming it the "Taco Liberty Bell". However, the first time they attempted to use it in a commercial, together with their popular Chihuahuan mascot "Gidget", proved to be a disaster. One of the higher harmonics generated by the defective instrument was apparently in exact resonance with the small dog's skull, and his head exploded. Additionally, other observers with larger heads described the sound as "annoying". The fast food chain sold the bell back to the Park Service at half price, along with a note reading "Yo no quiero Liberty Bell!"