All natural clothes to be made from Asbestos

A California startup has created a stir in the fashion industry with their new line of "eco-friendly" clothing made entirely from asbestos and other mineral earths.

"Our clothing line does not result in the deaths of any plants or animals," Mineral Fig Leaf spokesman / woman / gay person (we couldn't tell) Marie Cornu Grenouille croaked, "And in addition, it doesn't use any water, fertilizer, insecticide, fossil fuels, greenhouse gases, sweat shops, child labor, fair trade, growth hormones, luteinizing hormones, or xenoestrogens to produce. Only rock crushers, separators, slurry plants, liquor evaporators, and strip mines."

Mineral Fig Leaf recently patented a process for weaving asbestos fiber into cloth, after the previous patent holder neglected to renew it for some reason. Their product, Mineral Fiber, is believed to be the only fabric made entirely from dirt.

"It is 100% natural, from the generous bounty of our great Mother Earth, and therefore 100% safe. Also hypoallergenic and noncomedogenic. Does not contain nuts, although processed at a facility that may employ them. Antibacterial. Not tested on animals," the spokescreature noted.

Our fashion editor and in-house blonde Claire had an opportunity to try on a Mineral Fig Leaf chemise at a recent runway event. She has been raving about the luxurious fabric ever since.

"It's awful! 'Luxurious' must be a French word meaning 'itchy'! Also, I couldn't stop coughing for some reason. It's horrid and fluffy-looking, like those giant, hideous dust bunnies that I found in my attic once. I shoveled them all out, and I'm glad to know they're gone, but it's been weirdly cold in my house ever since. Anyhoo... what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, they ought to call it 'dust bunny fur', cause that's what it looks like!"

She also noted that the fabric must be washed separately from more traditional cotton, wool, and hemp clothing as the sharp fibers behave like a "sandblaster" in the washing machine. The garment tags had the following simple cleaning instructions: "Place in fireplace. Set flames to 'high'. Do not tumble-dry. Made in Honduras."

The fabric currently comes in several tacky colors, such as electric yellow, neon green, homosexual purple, and "Federline" pink. The colors are also from mineral sources; the yellow coming from uranium, bromine contributing the reds and oranges, chromium salts the green, and various other heavy metals making up the rest. The list of colors will continue to grow as Mineral chemists identify additional EPA "Superfund" sites to mine. The bright and psychedelic colors appeal to the clothier's anticipated customers, aging hippies.

"I would just go nude everywhere, that's really the way Mother Nature intended it," Hollywood Hills NORML president and self-described hippie Bob Roberts said, "but it does get cold here in southern California. Plus, some unenlightened towns have archaic laws prohibiting it. Wearing clothing from Mineral Fig Leaf is the next best thing, as we are in harmony with the soil that made us."