Cat charged in gruesome revenge killing

A Galveston, Texas cat has been charged with first degree muricide in the horrific maiming and killing of an innocent mouse. If convicted, the feline may be sentenced to up to two lives in prison and a fine of 10000 grams of catnip.

The mouse, whom neighbors had named "that disgusting vermin", was dragged into the home of Maria and Manuel Sanchez by their cat, "Papa Cat". The horrified Sanchezs called Animal Planet, who sent an Animal ER ambulance to rescue the worthless rodent. However, he/she (difficult to tell) died on the way to the University of Galveston animal testing laboratory.

"He seemed like such a nice cat, too," Maria said between sobs, "you never would have guessed he was capable of something like this."

"Although, there were warning signs," Manuel added, "He used to just stare into space for hours on end, and I've seen him viciously attack a harmless ball of string. But we just refused to see it. All this time, we had no idea we were raising a predator."

Papa Cat showed no emotion at his arraignment, and seems to be generally disinterested in his trial. At one point, he sharpened his claws on the witness stand, which the prosecutor immediately cited as evidence of his murderous tendencies. At another point, he rubbed against the judge's leg and purred.

"All your pussy-footing won't work here!" the judge bellowed, and cited him for contempt of court. He hissed menacingly when the bailiff attempted to capture him.

Under Texas law, it is legal to kill feral mice within your own territory, provided the territory has been clearly marked with the appropriate scents. However, in this case, prosecutors have argued that the mouse was actually a domesticated mouse, because there is some evidence it lived under the Sanchez' house. Prosecutors presented pictures of mouse droppings and bedding made from torn insulation hanging from the crawl space under the building.

Defense attorneys for the animal have argued that he acted in "pre-emptive self- defense", following the recent killing of "Mama Cat" in the same area. They have also argued that all cats are permanently insane and therefore not responsible for any of their actions or liable to punishment, a defense that has drawn praise from defense attorneys across the country.

The case has drawn outrage from mice and mice fanciers around the country. However, they were all too meek to comment.

Galveston, Texas, has become a popular destination for cats and other predators. With the promise of "Piping Hot" Plovers, the island draws as many as 500,000 bird stalkers a year. Plovers, which resemble sticks, are one of the few remaining avian species too stupid to evade common predators. They are one of the favorites of the Galveston Ornithological Gustatory Society, of which Mama Cat was a founding member. While in previous times, the federal policy in such cases was to let natural selection take its course, that has failed to fly in the present era of affirmative action.

The Galveston DA's office has drawn some criticism for using its resources to prosecute animal crimes while many hominid crimes remain unsolved. "The smaller the victim, the bigger the crime," the DA retorted while swatting mosquitoes at a recent press conference.