Chateau d'Yquem to be sold in cardboard boxes

Starting with the 2008 vintage, one of the world's most expensive wines, Chateau d'Yquem, will be sold in High-Density Polyethylene lined cardboard boxes. The move is expected to make the vineyard's Premier Cru Supérieur more accessible to the general public by lowering the price from 100,000 Euros a liter to only 99,050.

"Previously, our First Estate wine was available only to bourgeois aristocracy and dishonest tax appraisers," the vineyard president announced at a recent press conference.

"But this is not in keeping with the egalitarian principles of France. I will not be satisfied until I see vagrants on the streets sipping our Sauternes out of paper bags, in the Universal French Brotherhood of drunkenness! Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité, Vini!" he shouted, before falling over. However, recent cuts in the welfare system proposed by President Sarkozy have jeopardized his bold vision.

"They may have to make due with Deuxièmes Crus," a welfare official stated on the condition that his name be improperly spelled (a common condition in France).

A vineyard spokesman who took over for the passed-out president pointed out that the cardboard has ecological advantages over glass as well. "It will contain at least 50% post-consumer waste," he specified. Recycling became the official religion of France after it was dechristianized in 1789. Rumors persisted that the move was made after one-too-many wine-tasting parties, however.

"Most people think the cardboard is just tacky packaging, but they are mistaken," Thomas Keller, a chef and quartermaster at the world-renown French Laundromat in prestigious Yountville, California, explained. As French people rarely do laundry, it is common for laundromats to serve food in addition to perfume.

"Cardboard is actually a complex material, with a rich history," Keller continued, "Wine aged in oak barrels is contaminated with oak lactones, which gives a rather uniform oaky (French okay) flavor, as all oaks lactate about the same way. Wine aged in cardboard boxes, however, absorbs the complete history of the cardboard it is cured in, which is much more diverse given how many times it's been recycled. For example, cardboard from toilet paper rolls contributes the much sought after Eau de toillette. Cardboard reclaimed from political campaign posters in Illinois has kind of a fishy smell to it, while cardboard from the covers of Harry Potter novels adds a cheesy note to the bouquet."

Other experts disagree. "Packaging wine in cardboard is part of the War on Terrior," the Walmart Master Sommelier explained.

"Wines used to be contaminated with all sorts of local flavors due to different varieties of grape, different yeasts, different microclimates, different soils, different flora and BMI in the feet that pressed them, and so on, ad nauseum. Walmart and other fine retailers are dedicated to eliminating this terrior and providing a uniform, bland, homogenized product that every oenoignoramus (one of the few English words using all five vowels!) can enjoy. Also, it will be sold by the gallon."

Walmart is planning on introducing other improvements to their boxed wine not normally offered by major vineyards, including "born-on" dates, "best used by" dates, and pop-up timers letting the consumer know when it is fully fermented. Other new products include Dry Riesling powder, which can turn almost any water into wine. It will be sold on the aisle with evaporated milk and beef bullion cubes, for anyone looking to try it.