Budweiser to Introduce Child-Proof Bottles

Beginning in July, Budweiser will be sold in child-proof bottles, the company announced Monday.

"We hope that this move will reduce the number of customers who overindulge in our product," a company spokesman said in a news briefing, "if you can't figure out how to open the bottle, that probably means you've had enough." "Or you're just an idiot," he added.

The move follows anecdotal evidence that Anheuser-Busch and other major beer company's "drink responsibly" campaigns have been ineffective. In the most recent alcohol-related tragedy, Budweiser spokesfrog "Er" fell off his lily pad and drowned after consuming too much of the rice brew.

In the most recent alcohol-related tragedy, Budweiser spokesfrog "Er" fell off his lily pad and drowned.

"We also expect that this will put an end to underage drinking, and reduce the incidence of drinking and driving," the spokesman concluded. The company distributed samples of the new bottle design to major media outlets, including ours.

Our beer editor, Boris, did not seem to have much trouble getting the bottles open, even while drunk, his usual state at work. "I never could figure out these blasted things," he noted, "I just give them to my boy to open," referring to his five-year old son. He also demonstrated his technique for opening them in the car. "I steer with my forehead, so I can use both hands and focus on what I'm doing," he demonstrated, eventually getting the bottle open before driving into a ditch.

Beer critics and other women have campaigned for a more rigorous opening mechanism. A plan to incorporate a 2 x 2 Rubik's cube into the lid was mothballed after marketing research demonstrated that 99% of Budweiser customers could not solve the cube, even while sober.

"It did particularly poorly among our NASCAR customers," the spokesman noted ruefully.

If the July pilot proves successful, Anheiser-Busch may introduce the technology into their other brands, such as Bud Ice and Bud Light, although the latter, made from water and watered-down clydesdale urine, does not contain alcohol. The forbidding lid contributes to the placebo effect.

A similar development may soon curtail the other teenage pastime. Stung by endless litigation, Phillip-Morris is developing cigarettes with "teenager filters". Early prototypes work by vaporizing the abundant oils on the pubescent's faces which congeal and clog the filter with waxy residue. However, research has been temporarily suspended after one delinquent test subject's head exploded, raising several safety issues.