What you've always feared is true: all the quality singles are already taken. If you're still single, that probably says something about you. This advice column isn't going to get you hooked up with Tom Cruise or Angelina Jolie. But if you're lucky and habituate these simple seven habits habitually, you just might score a Tony Shalhoub or Rosie O'Donnell.

The 7 Habits for Highly Defective Daters

1. Don't be yourself. Let's face it, if yourself was any good, you'd already be rolling in sugar. Find someone successful and be them instead. I recommend movie stars.
2. Lower your expectations. A few facts: all good pianists start when they're 4. A few really good ones start when they're 2, and the virtuosos had a keyboard installed in the womb. You get my drift. If you're not married by the time you're 16, you're too late - the cream of the crop has already been picked. If you are 16, get off my site.
3. Never offer to pay for anything. This could well be the worst date of your entire life. The only thing that could possibly make it worse is if you were dumb enough to pay for it.
4. Don't have fun. If you're to the point where you're reading online help columns for advice, it may well be that you snort when you laugh. Try this experiment: laugh into a tape recorder, then play it back. Yes, that's really what you sound like. But not everyone's brain works at the same speed. Try playing it back twice as fast, then twice as slow. Odds are, that's what you sound like to your date. And that's why you're still single.
5. Be self-conscious. Are you sure your right ear isn't a tad bigger than the left? Do you really think they're not going to notice the enlarged pores on your nose? Show off the few anatomically normal parts of your body, and cover everything else. Stay out of direct sunlight.
6. Bring alcohol. Lots of it. It may be the worst date of your life, but at least you won't remember it in the morning.

Good luck out there - you're going to need it. And remember, it's not them, it's you.