Ethanol-resistant bacteria wreak havoc on the world

A new bread of superbug - ethanol resistant bacteria - has started appearing in hospitals, kitchens, bathrooms, Tori Amos concerts, and every other place anti-bacterial hand sanitizers are in use. These bacteria have apparently not only become resistant to the intoxicating effects of ethanol, but have developed a craving for it, occasionally exhibiting wild behavior after overindulgence.

"We have here yet another example of the overuse of anti-septic products contributing to an environmental disaster," CDC spokeswoman Beth Luddington complained.

"We didn't think any organism other than fraternity boys could build up this kind of tolerance to the effects of alcohol, but, well, apparently, we were wrong."

The bacteria appear to have developed itty bitty liverelles in addition to their usual complement of other organelles, which have allowed them to imbibe the alcohol. They have also developed ethanol storage vacuoles, which scientists have scientifically named "beer bellies".

From a few points of origin, the drunken bacteria have spread rapidly. "It seems as though the presence of alcohol has actually increased their reproduction rate," Luddington explained. Alcohol affected bacteria are apparently less selective when it comes to finding a mate. A similar phenomena, known as the "beer goggles effect", afflicts humans as well.

"I have seen a truly ugly Staphylococcus still getting some conjugal action," a leading microbiologist said from his office in a filing cabinet drawer. The ethanol apparently reduces bacterial inhibitions, as bacteria are usually too shy to conjugate under a microscope objective.

The development has struck a decisive blow in the world's longest running war - the Fungi-Prokaryote war for Microscopic World Dominion. Though rarely covered by the mainstream media, the war has gone on for eons, and resulted in massive cytoplasm- shed. Yeasts have slaughtered bacteria by the quadrillions with their deadly ethanol- based chemical weapons, but the new bacterial alcoholism threatens the balance of power. Major brewing companies have already sent their condolences to the rapidly retreating yeast, while sour cream manufacturers have cheered on the surging germs. Whether the assault will force the molds under the negotiating table, or even into the extinction dustbin, remains to be seen.