Europe becomes incontinent at threat of Asia merger

Europe has had to excuse herself from the negotiating table after threats from the much larger continent of Asia to annex her.

"With 44 billion square kilometers and 4 billion square people, Asia is kind of a bully," Kris Peeters, King of Flanders, explained while contemptuously but ineffectively hawking loogies, "We no longer feel comfortable having them as a neighbor."

Physiographically, culturally, and sexually, Europe is the world's most ambiguous continent, looking suspiciously like a long, ugly Asian nose. The Balkanized appendage contains only 2% of the world's real estate, but with 48 ½ countries, much of the world's discontinuity.

Naturally, the issue is being decided in the world's most important country. For the first time in over 200 years, the Continental Congress met to decide the issue in Philadelphia. In 1776, the Congress decided that America was indeed an independent continent and not simply the westernmost of the British isles, as King George had claimed. The South American continent gained its independence in 1914 with the completion of the Panama Canal. The current session, however, may not be so favorable to Europe.

In typical European fashion, the Europeans have tried compromise and then appeasement, offering to change the wedded continents' moniker from "Eurasia" to "Asiope". Reversion to the pre-historic name of "Gondwanaland" has also been proposed. However, the Horde appears to be unimpressed.

"Are we going to derive half of our name from 19% of our land?" raged Shere Khan, Emperor of Kyrgyzstan.

"No! If God wanted a land, it would be the Altan Shan, not the Magyar Hortobágy! This wedding will be conducted in the traditional Kyrgyz way, Kyz ala kachuu! If you don't know what I'm saying, watch Borat!"

The Asians have already minted a coin, the asia, to replace the euro. It features Genghis Khan on the obverse and the Sack of Rome on the adverse. While once Europe's star quarterback, Rome was sacked by Visigoths (410), Vandals (455), More Goths (546), and Scandals (1990s). Most recently, it has been sacked and bagged by tourists; the Vatican boasts heaven and earth's highest crime rate.

Not all Europeans have actively opposed the merger, however. Countries on the "continent" of Europe that are not part of "continental" Europe like England, Malta, and Sweden have decided they could just as happily not be part of continental Asia as well.

The "Continentals", however, have become increasingly desperate as the takeover becomes more eminent. "We could dig a canal to assert our independence, the way South America and Africa did," Peeters lamented, "but it would be an awfully long canal; plus Europeans are too dignified to get dirt under their nails. When you're thinkin' about the consequences of this takeover... well, you're a peein'. I guess we'll just have to wait for Continental Drift or some medical breakthrough to give us our continence back."