Ford Files Patent on Wheel

In a move that promises to initiate a legal showdown, the struggling American auto manufacturer Ford Motor Company has filed a patent on the wheel.

"Our anthropologists have determined that the wheel was invented on Oct. 13, 14,652 BC by 'Ugh' Ford, Henry Ford's late great great great... ...great great grandfather's grandfather," a company anthropomorphic talking Taurus announced at the 2007 Detroit auto show, which was held in Tokyo. "By the common law of Bedrock, the invention of the wheel was therefore 'grandfathered' to us, and all other uses have been infringements. Along with interest and adjusted for tire inflation, we are suing for 14 quadrillion dollars, and three cents."

"Payment plans are available," the spokesmodel added.

This is the latest in a series of "Bold Moves" intended to get the company back on track. Ford and other American auto makers have recently lost a large portion of their market share to the Japanese, after "The Fast and the Furious" actually made imports look cool. Toyota is currently the largest car manufacturer in the world, although Ford disputes that.

"Toyota is only the largest if you count the number of vehicles produced," the spokestaurus pointed out. "If you count the weight of the vehicles produced, Ford is clearly ahead, producing 8 billion more pounds of cars and light trucks in 2006 than Toyota." The company is able to make the claim because Ford vehicles are an average of 1000 pounds heavier than their Japanese rivals, eschewing "flimsy" aluminum for lots of "good old-fashioned American steel". They also come equipped with much larger gas tanks. "We would make our vehicles as heavy as Fords," a Honda spokesamurai noted, "But then the boat would sink."

"Ford has been unable to compete with Toyota or Honda with productivity", a company lawyer explained, "but productivity is the Japanese way. So we're going to hit them with litigation. That's the American way." While other countries waste their resources educating scientists and engineers, the United States has more lawyers per capita than any other country in the world. Congress is also debating suing Japan for the Pearl Harbor incident in 1941.

While initially caught off guard, rival manufacturers are rushing to find other inventions to patent for counter paternity suits. Toyota is claiming "rear windows that only roll half-way down" and "doors that only lock if the handle is pulled up" while Honda is claiming "plastic undercarriages" and "lawn-mower tuned mufflers". Subaru is claiming "All-wheel drive", a variant of four wheel drive where the spare tire spins as well. Mitsubishi is claiming "non-functional hood scoops" and "silly wings on the trunk lid". All of the Japanese manufacturers are trying to claim credit for the large Kanji characters that frequently appear at the top of their windshields, although they are often found on Fords and BMWs as well.

Nitoro Hiyeki, our Japanese correspondent, explained what some of them mean. "That one say: 'I am nimrod'. That one say: 'I shop at Walmart'. That one say: 'I have small turbocharger'." The Kanji character for "turbocharger" is not well known, even among fans of anime.