Bush announces Bold Plan for Global Air Conditioning

Without admitting the reality of global warming, the White House released its multi-faceted plan today for "global air-conditioning", to cool off "liberal hotheads" who have been "blowing hot air" at the administration for some time.

"This so called 'global warming' appears to have begun on or around 1918. This is also the year that Daylight Savings Time started. Is this a coincidence? We think not," the report stated.

"The reason that the earth has been getting warmer - according to some thermometers, anyway (and old thermometers were notoriously mercurial) - is obviously that we have been saving too much daylight. Therefore, we will eliminate Daylight Savings Time (DST) and begin Daylight Spending Time (DST), until the daylight surplus is turned into a deficit."

The report noted that the president has past experience turning surpluses into deficits. The proposal would eliminate the "spring forward" day while retaining the "fall back" day.

"As an added benefit, each year will be an hour longer, and we'll get an extra hour of sleep each fall without having to make it up in the spring," the president pointed out.

"There seems to be some prevailing horse sense that if you borrow an hour, you have to give it back sometime; but under my administration I have shown that you can just continue to borrow indefinitely. If worst comes to worst, I'll just have the National Observatory print some more hours."

Scientists predicted that the move would result in a 0 degree drop in global temperature. "That's because they're Democrats," the president explained.

Daylight Savings Time was invented in 1913 by English golfer William Willett to make more grass grow. It has been controversial since its inception, being favored by horses and rugby players, who appreciate grass, and maligned by gardeners, who don't. It is currently celebrated in every US state except Arizona, which celebrates the equinox instead. Bush noted that every time he has been in Arizona, the temperature inside the Phoenix International Airport has been cool, validating his plan.

In addition to eliminating DST, the report called for more solar eclipses to reduce the amount of sunlight hitting the earth. Scientists currently do not know how to create solar eclipses, but the president recalled that Hank Morgan in Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court created one when he was about to be burned at the stake, and so is funding research into it.

The report, however, sought to downplay the hype on "global warming".

"It's like this: you used to be able to buy a candy bar for 5 cents. Now it costs a dollar. We believe something similar has happened to the degree. 100 degrees today just isn't as hot as 100 degrees would have been 30 years ago. There are so many more people using degrees now than there used to be - a degree just doesn't go as far as it used to."

Under the proposal, the Federal Reserve would be responsible for deflating the value of the degree back to where it was in "the good old days".

"With smaller degrees, not only will the earth be cooler, but you will be able to fit more of them onto a thermometer," the report concluded hopefully.