Imus to be charged in Corzine crash

In another blow to down-and-out shock-jock Don Imus, he will be charged with "creating a public emergency that resulted in the governor being injured". If convicted, he faces a maximum of an unknown number of years in prison, as the crime was just created yesterday.

"None of this would have happened if it wasn't for him!" New Jersey governor Jon Corzine wheezed from his hospital bed, in between breaths from a ventilator. "And when he's convicted, he'd better not even think of asking the governor for a pardon!" The governor was unavailable to answer reporter questions, as he passed out shortly thereafter.

"My luck in asking for pardons hasn't been too good lately," Imus noted in response dryly.

The governor was critically injured in a crash while driving to a meeting between the Rutger's basketball team and Imus. Without gubernatorial support, Imus ended up losing, 58 - 0. "Those can play some ball," he acknowledged before being fired.

"When something like this happens," head of the New Jersey state police Col. Rick Fuentes commented, "The most important thing is that we find someone to blame."

So far, that has proved tough. Blame initially fell to the "red pickup truck", but it was later found that the truck was merely trying to get out of the hurried governor's way. Blame then shifted to the "white pickup truck", but it was determined that the white pickup truck was just trying to get out of the red pickup truck's way. No other vehicles have been identified within the acceptable "blame sphere", but the search is being expanded and could soon include planes and trains as well as automobiles.

"We will search day and night, until a culprit is found," Fuentes, whose name means "fury" in Chihuahuan, promised.

So far, the only arrest in the case has been the governor's Suburban, which has been detained in the state impound yard while insurance companies interrogate it. If convicted, the oversized SUV could be sent to a wrecking yard and dismembered. The vehicle was originally a Tahoe, but was changed to a Suburban after negotiations with Chevrolet, who wanted to preserve the reputation of their more popular model. The color has also alternated between "black", "charcoal", and "tar".

This is not the first crash a Suburban, known in the West as the "Mormon assault vehicle", has been implicated in. The insurance institute has issued the Suburban a crash test rating of "one black hole" out of a maximum of five stars, due to a "high center of gravity". The Tahoe, conversely, received a rating of "one nebula".

The Suburban / Tahoe has been charged with failing to use a seat belt, and driving at an excessive speed, currently estimated at 91 MPH (although that speed is expected to increase as the investigation continues). The speed is not atypical for the New Jersey turnpike, however, where most cars simply want to get out of the God-forsaken place before they exceed their yearly recommended dose of radiation.

Don Imus, meanwhile, has become something of a blame sponge. In addition to the nation's racial issues, the court of public opinion has also considered blaming him for global warming, the war on terror, taxes, rising gas prices, Donald Trump, urban poverty, irritable bowel syndrome, child abuse, Britney Spears, global cooling, ridiculous pharmaceutical advertisements on television that go on and on with psychedelic scenery and cyborg actors and purple pills flying everywhere and then don't even tell you what the drug is for, flat soda, warm beer, spontaneous human combustion, and a variety of other world problems. Curiously, rap artists, who use stronger racial epithets on a regular basis, have largely escaped public scrutiny.

"When it rains, it pours," Imus said miserably from the local unemployment office, as he unsuccessfully searched for applications for nationally syndicated DJ positions.