Iranian Automotive Company to Begin Producing Car Bombs

Jihad Motors will begin producing car bombs, The Daily Fatwa reported Wednesday in Tehran. Jihad's stock went up a point and a half at the Baghdad District Stock Exchange (BADSEX); Al Qaeda was also up one point.

"We are proud to announce this significant fusion of unique technologies in Iran," Iranian president Ahmadinejad explained at a recent press conference. While often thought of as a backward country, Iran is in fact the world leader in the manufacture of exploding vehicles, an industry that costs several billion dollars a year.

While the new fragmentation autos will be based on Jihad's current underperforming I-atollah model, they will be modeled after Western vehicles to increase their customer base. Current production models include the entry-level Yugo "Boom" and the sportier Ford "Must-bang". The latter was tested by Car and Car Bomber magazine and found to perform poorly in the 1/4 mile, but was a smash in the demolition derby event. Some of the smaller shrapnel fragments clocked an impressive 0 - 60 MPH acceleration of only 3.2 microseconds, as compared to a pedestrian 2.9 seconds for a Ferrari F50. Their power was rated at 5 kilotons (4.5 metric kilotons) versus only a paltry 500 hp for third generation Dodge Vipers. Models still in the planning stages include the Chevrolet "Super Nova" and the Ford "Pinto", which would be sold "as was".

"Our new line of self-propelled bombs will feature many fewer safety features than their Detroit counterparts," a Jihad engineer explained proudly.

"For example, they will feature exploding hood hinges to injure more pedestrians, and 100 MPH bumpers for ballistic collisions with other vehicles. They are engineered with a specially weakened chassis to increase brisance and fragmentation. Also, for the comfort and convenience of the mujaheed or unsuspecting heads of state, they will have heated rear glass, cup holders, an AM radio preset to Al Jazeera, and a grippier steering wheel with more places for shackling the hands. We have striven to make their ride to heaven as comfortable and stylish as possible."

Democrats in Congress reacted quickly to the news.

"This is a major safety threat to American commuters," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained.

"Many of these mujahedeen do not have driver's licenses, and unlicensed drivers are more likely to cause crashes and injuries. I therefore propose that we create a special 'class B' car bomber driver's license, for the good of public safety." The motion was added as an amendment to a bill giving other illegal immigrants licenses as well.

President Bush has threatened to veto the legislation, claiming, as usual, that it will weaken national security. However, some Republican legislators have jumped ship and suggested a compromise, a word that was banned in the White House two years ago. "The only thing worse than a car bomber is an unlicensed car bomber," one Republican traitor explained.

Car bombing has become one of the most popular hobbies in the Middle East, and other restive parts of the world. Many governments see car bombs as a threat, as they have been linked to increased traffic and pedestrian fatalities, and car bombs frequently exceed US and EU regulations on carbon dioxide and ozone emissions. In addition, car bombers frequently run red lights and do not pay their parking tickets.