Search for left-handed polar bear meets sinister end

An expedition to the north pole in search of left-handed polar bears by renown research professor Francis Maladroit has been forced to retreat after all of his grad students and other supplies were eaten.

"This is a huge disappointment," Professor Maladroit said from his hot tub in Miami Beach, "I'd read on the internet that polar bears are left-handed, and I was so optimistic... don't believe everything you read on the internet!"

Professor Maladroit found the Laboratory for Left Handedness two years ago to study left-handed creatures around the world. His efforts have been hampered, however, by the lack of such creatures.

"Mammals, reptiles... all creatures favor their right side," Professor Dexter, Maladroit's former thesis advisor and current archrival, pointed out, "Even snail shells coil to the right. Left-handed people are some of the strangest objects in the universe."

"We discovered that some sugars and drugs are levorotatory," Maladroit countered.

"But they're toxic," Dexter noted.

Unable to continue paying his graduate students, Professor Maladroit did what any associate professor seeking tenure would - he sent them off to a conference in an exotic place, hoping they wouldn't return.

Being from Miami, none of his students knew much about the north pole, and even less about polar bears, although they all expressed a keen interest in "getting out of the office". They conducted research by going to the polar bear exhibit at the Miami zoo, and decided that polar bears are "cute and cuddly". They even hired Amritpal and Kulbir Dhaliwal to taunt the bears - but the two tiger-baits could produce no reaction. (The zoo later informed us that the "polar bears" are in fact albino black bears in hibernation.) Confident in their findings, the students packed up their warmest t-shirts and headed for Nunavut.

The expedition got off to a cack-handed start when many of their supplies were lost on the sea-ice through general clumsiness. The initial dispatch back to Miami was also discouraging.

"We haven't found any left-handed polar bears. In fact, we haven't found any polar bears with hands at all. What they do seem to have on their left sides are very large paws with very large claws. Also, polar bears are quite hostile."

Undaunted, the professor revised his student's search criteria. Reports from a second round of experiments indicated that polar bears could not catch a baseball with either paw, preferring instead to charge the mound. It was also determined that polar bears run faster than most grad students. Next, the professor had the students test his theory in an under-handed way, based on the hypothesis that lefties are "visual simultaneous" thinkers while normal people are "linear sequential". After charging the bears individually and in mobs, it was found that the bears were equally adroit at eating the grad students either way. The final report to come back from the arctic read:

"No success finding south paws here at the north pole. All polar bears we have encountered are ambisinistrous - equally sinister on both sides."

The study did confirm, however, that polar bears have two left feet.

Professor Maladroit may plan a rescue mission, if he ever gets funding.

"Or maybe not," he said gauchely. The failure of his grad students to obtain more data before succumbing to the elements has left him disillusioned with science.

"I just might leave the field of science. Maybe I'll study biology instead."

Left-handedness is a neurological disorder afflicting about 10% of the human population, and perhaps none of the polar-bear population. There is no known cure, although the symptoms can be treated by "beating it out of them" and exorcism. Symptoms include art, baseball, and sloppy writing. August 13 has been declared "National Left-Handed Awareness Day", when everyone is encouraged to do everything left-handed. Last year, a Friday, the stock market tumbled, industrial and kitchen accidents skyrose, and more pharmacies than usual gave out the wrong prescriptions. Organizers described it as an "underhanded success."