Meretricious Liar Quiz

1. You go to a restaurant. The wait staff is very cordial, but the food is atrocious. If the steak were any more burned, you could have sold it to Kingsford as charcoal briquettes; if the bread were any drier, you would have needed Chuck Norris to break it. The waiter asks if you are enjoying your meal. You say:

1. Why yes! Everything is excellent!
2. The food is quite interesting. I've never had cuisine quite like this before.
3. You seem to already have an over-cook and an under-cook - you might want to consider a middle-man.
4. While I applaud recycling, I don't think the "ten second rule" applies to food that's already been thrown out at least once.

2. Your friend from work invites you over to see his favorite movie. It drags on and on, with about as much plot as a Barney special and acting that would make Ed Wood cringe. He says "Isn't this great??" You say:

1. Wow! I think this is my new favorite movie!
2. It's quite obvious that the cast of this film was very dedicated.
3. Have you seen many movies? Would you believe the best ones aren't "made for TV"?
4. If they had platinum raspberries, I'd award this film a whole bush worth of them.

3. Your aunt calls for the third time that week. You have an insane amount of work to do that evening, but this lady is a motormouth powered by Energizer® D-cells. She finally has to hang up because her dinner is burning, but promises to call right back. You say:

1. Call back soon! I'll be holding my breath for the details of your Wiener dog scrapbook!
2. It's okay. I can tell your life is very busy right now.
3. You know, they do have support groups for people with your range of talents. They're called "blogs".
4. Did you know that intelligent life from around the universe listens to our cell phone conversations? Yep, and monologues like this explain why none has ever visited here.

4. Your neighbor, an aspiring mechanic, tunes up your car for free to show off his mad DIY skills. However, he forgets to put the screws back in the distributor cap, leaving you stranded on the way to work with a $100 towing charge. The next week, he asks how the car is running. You say:

1. Never been better! I saw a NASCAR representative checking her out the other day!
2. Pretty well, given the price.
3. The tow truck driver seemed to think either my distributor or my mechanic has a screw loose.
4. Did you also install the O-rings on the Challenger space shuttle? Because you seem to know a thing or two about catastrophic failures.

5. A very obese, hygienically-challenged man sits next to you on the plane, taking up all of his seat and half of yours. He apologizes, saying "I'm sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?" You say:

1. Why of course not! Make yourself at home!
2. I'll be alright. The flight's only three hours.
3. You know those personal hygiene supplies they sell at the airport "duty free"? I think they ought to make it a duty.
4. Look out that window. If you see the right wing start to drag on takeoff, sit in the aisle. I've never heard of anyone popping an emergency slide, but I don't know if they've been tested on cattle.

6. You have to fill out a teacher evaluation form. You can tell your teacher tries really hard, but she is still the worst teacher you have ever had. If she had to teach a fish to swim, it would drown. You write:

1. Any student would be blessed to have a mentor like you.
2. I appreciate the work you put into this profession.
3. Don't quit your night job.
4. I feel like I'm actually stupider after taking your class than when I started. I'd offer you a letter grade, but there aren't enough letters after "Z".

7. You run into a female friend of yours that you haven't seen in years. In the interim, she got married and had a child. But the baby is hideous. Seriously. He reminds you of pictures of babies born after Chernobyl or Hiroshima. She asks, "Isn't he adorable??" You say:

1. Oh my goodness! He's a little angel! Has he been in a Gerber commercial yet?
2. Wow! He really takes after his mother!
3. Has he seen a doctor lately? Was he involved in some kind of accident?
4. Guard it closely. I've heard hyenas will travel up to 10,000 miles to retrieve a stolen cub.

8. Your stock broker calls to recommend a new stock, as another part of your portfolio just went belly up. He is a very cordial, optimistic guy straight out of college, but so far he's lost more money than a circus in Quakertown. Nevertheless, he has "a really good feeling" about this next pick. You say:

1. Your enthusiastic research and concern for my portfolio is most impressive.
2. I'll have to discuss it with my husband / wife first.
3. Did you minor in something more lucrative?
4. I decided to let my pet monkey go down to the market floor and do some picking to compare with yours. So far, he's ahead by 25 bananas.

9. Does this dress make me look fat?

1. Of course not honey!
2. It complements your figure nicely.
3. You might want to consider going up a size… or three.
4. Have you ever seen a shrink-wrapped marshmallow? No? Can you at least imagine what one would look like?

10. If you could meet the author of this quiz, you would tell her / him:

1. Inspired! This really opened my eyes to all the indirection we use in day to day life.
2. What can I say? Quite a diversion… I gotta get back to work.
3. Can you fit your heart in your mouth? Then one is too small, and the other too big.
4. This is the most contrived, pointless, mean-spirited piece of garbage on the internet. People like you are perfect examples of why JavaScript should require a license.