MySpace charged in Death of Art Critic

Tormented by thousands upon thousands of artistically void websites on the aesthetically-standardless "MySpace" website, advertising guru and noted art critic Lori Draw was finally driven to hang herself from a closet rod-thingee, federal prosecutors alleged Wednesday.

"We were going to indict the closet rod-thingee too, but we determined that it was underage and had psychological problems stemming from the case so we let it go," a nameless Man in Black explained monotonically.

If convicted, the closet rod could face one year of confinement in a federal Banana Republic. MySpace could face a fine of 1000 webpages and 500 blogs, which could hurt them in their longstanding rivalry with FaceBook.

Subpoenaed posts from Lori on the website showed that the limitless sea of terrible webpages aggravated her Attention Deficit Disorder, eventually driving her to distraction. "I can no longer sleep knowing that there is this vast array of bubble-gum smacking, teeny-bopping, artistically sacrilegious websites in the virtual world," she lamented in one post to a sympathetic sock-puppet.

"I fear that I am going to have to take drastic measures."

She then took the lawlessness into her own hands, attempting to rectify the situation through cyberbullying. She wrote several pieces of malware and beat up offending sites' avatars. However, she was distraught to discover that cyberbullying doesn't actually hurt anyone, not even computers still running Internet Explorer 4 (cyberbullying is disabled in most later versions).

"Sticks and stones may break my modems, but DWORDS will never hurt me!" one precocious preschooler countertaunted.

Desperate bullies have stepped up to the stronger QWORDS, and even the 16 dollar DQWORDS (current exchange rate: 2 bits = 25 cents), which are used primarily by high-faluters against those chafing at the bits. However, using such strong language carries a definite risk of byting off more than one can nybble.

A MySpace lawyer defended his virtual client by explaining that the site has a "16+" policy to prevent these unfortunate circumstances.

"We realize that our site may pose a risk to those who do not have the suitable level of maturity to enjoy it. Therefore, no one who is 16 or older is a allowed to have an account here. This policy is here for your sanity - those who choose to violate it do so at their own risk."

However, Lori's hometown, Darned Field, MO (pron. "Misery") has taken additional measures to prevent tragedies like this from occurring in the future. On Thursday, the board of aldermen passed a law banning any bad MySpace pages from being published within city limits, which complements their law against "rabbit bulling", which used to be a serious, if somewhat hilarious, problem in the area.

"All sites will be screened by the Moral Majority, and any blasphemous sites will be shunned," an alderman explained.

"First up for disfellowshipping? Julie McCullough."