Congress introduces "No Child Gets Ahead" Policy

In a bold move to ensure educational equity, the Senate has ratified the "No Child Gets Ahead" policy to complement 2002's "No Child Left Behind" directive. President Bush is expected to immediately sign the bill into law.

"It has come to our attention that some 'gifted' and 'honored' students are unfairly pulling away from their peers," Senate bill sponsor Ted Kennedy explained, "and that is just not compatible with the American ideals of Equal Opportunity and Non- Discrimination. Over-achievement is just as pernicious of a problem as under- achievement. It must be addressed, redressed, and ultimately - undressed - immediately, if not sooner."

To give a graphic example of his vision, Kennedy showed a video from Maoist China where 100 students, all running very slowly, crossed the finish line of a race at the exact same time. Unfortunately, China's progressive policies were largely replaced with old-fashioned capitalism after The Great Leader's death.

"AP, honors, and college prep classes will be discontinued immediately," Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings explained, "And those students found to have enrolled in them will be sent to government-run 're-education' camps to be given a second chance at mediocrity. Students who fail to fail a second time will be deported to some place where they are more welcome. Maybe, Taiwan."

Additional changes will be made in high-school curricula to support the measure.

"It appears that some classes may be just too difficult for all students to pass," Spellings explained, "So we are going to replace them with classes that encourage success rather than failure. For example, we plan to exchange 'computer science' with 'surfing the web', 'English' with 'Ebonics, Spanglish, and Creative Listening', 'music' with 'rap appreciation', 'art' with 'Emotions 101', and 'science' with 'careers in fast food'."

The "highly qualified teachers" directive from the 2002 bill has also been tweaked, after it was discovered that not all teachers were "highly qualified".

"It isn't fair that some students be taught by 'highly qualified' teachers, while others are taught be 'somewhat qualified' teachers, or some other qualifier. We need better quantification of the qualification. Therefore, the new standard will be that all teachers be 'minimally qualified'. Those in violation of this standard will be required to renounce their more advanced degrees immediately, and possibly be sent to Arkansas to be 'dumbed down' a bit, or face exportation," Spellings elaborated. Supporters have noted that the new policy is consistent with the Third Law of Management: It is always easier to knock off the top than bring up the bottom.

Critics have argued that the bill introduces nothing new and is therefore a waste of ink and media attention, which could be directed toward more important topics like the size of Britney's belly.

"Clearly, if any child is ahead, someone is left behind," former presidential candidate Mitt Romney explained, "'No child left behind' has always meant 'No child gets ahead'."

Bill sponsors have pointed out that it is no different than other official government policies, such as the policy of equal opportunity and affirmative action.

"Discrimination is wrong, unless it's against the majority," a Washington bureaucrat and former Apartheid administrator explained.

Upon hearing these arguments, critics of the bill were forced to shut up.

Feeling there was some confusion, President Bush clarified the issue.

"Some people have accused me of 'fuzzy math', but I think my math is very straightforward and backward. The 'No Child Left Behind' act targeted the bottom 10% of children... you know, those below the first grade level. The 'No Child Gets Ahead' act targets the top 10% of children... those above the 11th grade level. If we can get rid of the top ten percent, and the bottom ten percent, then all we'll have left is the middle 80%, and that's our goal - for everyone to be in the middle 80% of everyone."