Rapper arrested in receipt theft

Florida rapper MMzy$$oiTr was arrested after walking out of a trendy clothing store with a receipt for over $1000 worth of merchandise. The receipt was not his.

"We have arrested mezyz... mezyzzo... however you say that, for petty theft. The charged may be upped to grand theft if it is determined that the receipt was for merchandise over $1500. We are also considering an armed robbery charge, because he had several sharp pens in his pocket. Let everyone take notice, receipt theft, is a serious crime and will not be tolerated in Swamp Park, Florida," a Swamp police officer announced at a press conference.

A sales associate at the South Bog Crunk & Junk witnessed the looting. "He just reached right across the counter and ripped that receipt off, and the other guy's was still attached. Then he walked out the door and got jumped by security. It was one of the most brazen receipt thefts I've ever seen!"

The stolen receipt items included several baseball hats, a poofy jacket, oversized jewelry, and a pre-owned gold grille.

This is not MMzy$$oiTr's first run in with the law. He has prior arrests for jaywalking and illegal removal of his mattress tags. He also has several outstanding parking tickets.

"Dawg, forshizzle perdizzle rack me sizzle the mooch for juice know not what they unloose," he reportedly spat as he was being shackled.

"He's saying it's an unlawful arrest," a local teenager with several gold teeth translated, "He says 'This is an unlawful arrest. You are trying to silence my voice, my force in my community, my manifesto. You are ignorant and small-minded. You hate me just because I rhyme about armed robbery, rape, aggravated assault, and murder, and because millions of impressionable young teens buy my music, play it day and night, memorize it, inculcate it into their minds and souls and actions. But it is just my image - that's not the real me. It's my avatar, my persona. It isn't the real me. You don't know the real me. You'll never know the real me. But go ahead and arrest me. Prison only makes me more legit."

Receipt theft, a form of identity theft, is one of the most rapidly growing crimes in America. Self check-out counters, where previous customers sometimes leave their receipts unattended, appear to be exacerbating the problem. The motives behind it are unclear. Most perpetrators insist that it was an accident, although a few have claimed they stole for the "scratch paper". Experts suspect that receipt theives use the stolen goods as status symbols in an increasingly materialistic society.

Sales of MMzy$$oiTr's new album "Yo! %&** this @#$$!" have doubled since the arrest.