New Study: Smoking Kills Cancer

A surprising new study has shown that smoking is effective in killing cancer cells. "All this time, we've been told that smoking is bad for you. Well, it turns out, it's bad for cancer cells, too!" lead researcher Billy Ray said from his office at the University of Alabama. The new study was published in the Deep South Journal of Medicine and Animal Husbandry.

In the recent experiment, 10 mice with aggressive carcinomas were exposed to constant cigarette smoke for 12 days. The cancer stopped growing in eight of them. The experiment was conducted at Chubby's Honky-tonk outside Tuscaloosa, where cigarette vapors regularly exceeded oxygen in parts per million.

A possum and an armadillo were added to the experiment after two of the mice escaped. The two late-comers also died. Alcohol may have been a factor in their untimely demise. "In retrospect, the results aren't totally surprising," Dr. Ray noted, "While cigarette companies don't like to talk about it for some reason, cigarette smoke actually contains many compounds known to be toxic to cancer cells, such as carbon monoxide, cyanide, kerosene, mercury fulminate, arsenic, strychnine, botox, lead, sulphur, viagra, norepinephrine, anabolic steroids, ketones, tar, dioxin, sodium lauryl sulfate, ascorbic acid, brominated vegetable oil, nicotine, caffeine, and artificial flavorings and colorings." One hospital in Mobile has eliminated chemotherapy and replaced it with constant smoking for cancer patients. A preliminary report has indicated that the smoking treatment prevents the hair loss associated with chemo, although it does turn the patient's teeth yellow and lungs black.

The University of Alabama report backs up a recent tobacco industry finding that 90% of smoking carcinoma patients are cancer free after five years, although many suffer from a worm infestation. None of the patients in the study could be reached for comment. "We've come full circle," a tobacco industry spokeswoman said, "After years of official coughing, it turns out the sage old medical advice is true: there is nothing that a pack of smokes and a glass of hemlock juice a day can't fix!"

The research was supported by the Phillip Morris Corporation.