Student defaults on loan; Agency Confiscates Brain

Former student Hyrum Wallace didn't think twice when he threw out the letter from ABC Student Loans informing him that his payment was overdue and he was being turned over to a collection agency.

Now he definitely won't think twice about it, even if he could think twice about it. Upon finding him destitute, Cerebral Collections confiscated his brain. Toronto General Hospital discharged him in "dead" condition, although he is expected to recover. "He can continue to breathe on his own, as long as the power doesn't go out," Chief Surgeon Kevorkian explained, "contrary to popular belief, a brain is not essential for everything. For example, Paris Hilton has lived without one for at least five years, and it has become a major part of her image."

"After five years of college education, we estimate this brain is worth at least $125,000," a CC spokesman explained, "compared to his rust-bucket conveyance, which only blue-booked for $230, and his stash of Ramen noodles, which had been eaten by cockroaches, this was a real steal for us!" Small print in the ABC loan contract, rarely read by naive freshmen, allows the agency to collect body parts in lieu of more conventional currency.

When asked for his opinion of the confiscation, Hyrum replied: "                                           ". He had no further comment.

Hyrum majored in sociology, according to his friends, "because it was easy and there was lots of chicks." He enjoyed many of his classes so much that he took some of them twice, and even spent an extra year in the university, with the help of $65,000 in student loans. He apparently did not realize that there aren't actually any jobs in sociology, but learned that soon after graduation. He spent the remainder of his life living in various friends' apartments and drinking heavily. "Alcohol is a preservative," he explained before he lost his mind, "And I need to preserve all of this expensive knowledge I've built up in my head, in case I ever find a place to use it." Unfortunately, the ethanol failed to preserve his liver or other visceral organs, making them unsuitable for confiscation. His brain, however, was another grey matter.

"We're keeping it alive on a petri dish," the CC spokesman detailed, "we're not sure what's in 'petri', but every slimy organism seems to like it."

Some human rights groups have criticized the agency, calling the confiscation "drastic".

"How is he supposed to earn the money to repay the loan with no brain? This is a no-brainer," a spokeshippie for Neural Tube Amnesty International chided.

The CC responded that there are numerous jobs that can be done in today's society without any cognitive ability. They suggested he apply for a job as a Chinese quality control inspector, technical support at Dell computer, spokesman for Lindsay Lohan, or steroid testing lab administrator for the Tour de France.