Discovery of two-tailed pigs explains hairstyle

A recent expedition to the remote mountains of Pegunungan Maoke in Papua New Guinea has discovered a long forgotten herd of two-tailed pigs.

"This is an amazing discovery!" Raoul Salvadore bubbled before being eaten by cannibals.

"It is very rare to find a new mammal species outside of a zoo in the 21st century. It is even rarer to find a new mammal species with two tails!"

"Yum yum!" a cannibal named Urg added.

Fossil evidence indicates that two-tailed pigs were once widespread in Eurasia and Asiope. However, they appear to have gone extinct with the development of pig- stickers by 3M around 10000 BC. The second tail may have increased the binding effectiveness of the adhesive. Modern, single-tailed swine were developed from hamster- sized guinea pigs by selective breeding and lots of growth hormones.

However, it appears an isolated population of the twin-tails has survived on the remote island, 10,000 miles away from Minnesota. A Sepik-Ramu tribesman, who gave his name as "Legion" (because he contained many), speculated on how the species survived:

"Ugh. Ugh. Mek. Mek. Uggghhh."

Which is Mekmek for: "Humans much easier to catch than pigs. Also, tastier."

The new creature was discovered when a sounder came rooting through the explorer's camp and consumed their entire supply of chocolate-covered truffles. It has been given a tentative scientific name of Sus scrofa wendythomasus. A new expedition will have to be sent for further research, as the first was consumed by their studies.

The use of the second tail has sparked the interest of tailologists around the world.

"It may help them with flying," an esteemed professor of Animal Aeronautics and Folk Tailorology at MIT speculated.

"The left tail might control pitch and yaw, while the right tail probably controls roll and oink."

Meanwhile, cosmetologists and astronomers around the universe have found the answer to an ancient mystery.

"There are two fundamental questions that every hairdresser - and even barbarians who dress in fur - want to know the answer to: where do split ends come from, and why are two ponytails called a pigtail?" acclaimed stylist Paul Mitchell said from beyond the grave in London.

"It would be splitting hairs to consider this mystery solved. Butt, it appears that the modern hairstyle does indeed resemble an ancient pig's but."

While "hog's butt" may have been a more appropriate title for the popular tweenage style, Mitchell noted that the fashion industry is loaded with euphemisms.

"When you tell a woman in a backless gown, 'That's a nice ponytail,'" he pointed out astutely, "You're really just saying, in a nice way, 'Your shoulder blades look like a horse's patootie.'"