UFC crushes Ultimate Frisbee Championship

In a bizarre turn of events, last year's ultimate frisbee champion team, the "Disc Ninjas", was squashed by an ad-hoc posse of Mixed-Martial Arts fighters using improvised rules. The matchup occurred accidentally after an executive assistant apparently mistook the "UF" in UFC for "Ultimate Frisbee" while trying to book tickets to UFC 111: Apotheosis.

"She was clearly a woman and probably a blonde," Team Rampage spokesman Quinton Jackson explained, "Every man knows that UFC is for Ultimate Fighting Championship, which, by the way, is the polar opposite of Ultimate Frisbee."

Upon arriving at the event and finding no octagon or competitors worthy of having their butts kicked, the fighters were forced to improvise.

"So 'ultimate frisbee' is played with this ridiculous 175 gram plastic 'disc' - like a little kid would use. The first thing we did was to replace those oversized coffee can lids with something a real man could handle - 175 kilogram manhole covers, rush ordered from the Wham-O! Foundry," Jackson divulged. The event organizers were initially reluctant to accept the new rule changes, but all submitted in under ten seconds when placed in arm-bars.

Many other rules were illegally created as the tournament began. The fighters appreciated the lack of referees and self-enforcing nature of the game, but redefined a 'foul' to mean 'any contact insufficient to arouse the ire of the player fouled.' The receiver was given a ten-second stall count to recover from the blow before the attacker was awarded a TKO. A Callahan or "dirty Harry" goal was scored when a defending player's head flies into the end zone, with or without a body attached. It was renamed after legendary 'ultimate player' Clint Eastwood. Most popular, though, was the "last man standing rule" whereby the winner was only crowned after all his opponents were submitted or dead.

"That last rule really embodies both the 'ultimate' and the 'esprit de corps' - which is French for 'spirit of the corpse' - that this game embodies!" an ultimate spokeshippie commented. It is not clear whether his spirit and corpus remained connected long enough to regret his comments.

While ultimate tradition is for players to complement the opposing team, Team Rampage did away with that rule as well. "These guys were anything but 'ultimate players', and the 'Beach Ultimate Lovers Ass.' - dishonest advertising, let me tell you. We walked off with all their trophies and about half their girlfriends - these guys got no game whatsoever," one fighter commented.

As part of the unconditional surrender agreement, the Ultimate Player's Association and their governing body, the World Flying Saucer Federation, were compelled to change the name 'ultimate' to 'penultimate', acknowledging the clear dominance of the UFC. The ultimate 'Bible', entitled "Ultimate: the greatest sport ever created by man" also had its ultimate prepositional phrase updated to "by woman".

The fighters also participated in the "guts" tournament held at the same location. Guts, billed as "the original xtreme sport" consists of two opposing teams who line up and throw discs at each other. After the first manhole cover was hurled, however, the defending champions demonstrated their intestinal fortitude by running for the Porta- Johns. They were allowed to retain their catch-phrase as the prototypical x-treme sport, as long as the UFC was recognized as the final word in manliness.

"Many great pastimes had humble beginnings," Jackson noted, "but these guys have a long, long ways to go."