Man sickened after eating undercooked sewage

A sanitation plant engineer has become ill after eating raw sewage, OSHA reported on Wednesday.

"Apparently, the man forgot his lunch that day, so he decided to feast on some sewage out of the collection basin," a plant spokeswoman reported at a news conference. "But unfortunately, he took his lunch from the wrong end of the plant. To anyone else who is thinking of absconding with some of our product, remember: input - dirty, output - yummy." He has also been charged for the cost of the stolen raw materials. His name was not released to protect his dateability.

After becoming sick, the man was taken to a Cleveland area hospital. "He has been diagnosed with Salmonella, E. coli, Candida albicans, Shigella, Providencia, Bostonia, Citrobacter, Gatorade, Trichphyton, Giardia, Rhodotorula, Torulopsis, Cryptococcus neoformans, Paramecium caudatum, Herpes Multiplex, Trichorosporon, Entamoeba hystolytica, Staph faecalis, Vibrum cholerae, Hafnia, Aeromonas, Restless Legs Syndrome, Trichomonas, Naegleria, Blastocystis hominis, Faecal halitosis, Cryptosporidium, Trypanosomiasis, Filariasis, Mariah Caries, Leishmaniasis, Listeria, Strongyloides stereoralis, Cyclosporiasis, Alveolar echinococcosis, Rhodotorula again, and Morgellon's Disease, and possibly a few others we couldn't find on emedicine" his attending physician reported. "He is currently listed in 'crappy' condition."

The physician's comments drew chuckles from the audience, to which he responded irritably "Blastocystis hominis is no laughing matter. If left untreated, it can make your uvula fall off. Then you'd be saying 'heh heh heh' instead of 'hah hah hah'."

The FDA has issued guidelines for the preparation of sewage. All sewage should be cooked before human consumption. Chicken sewage should be cooked to a minimum internal temperature of 165 degrees, while beef sewage should be cooked to 140 degrees, or until it is brown in the middle. Care should be taken in the handling of uncooked sewage juices.

Raw sewage, however, remains a delicacy in Japan, where they'll eat almost anything and recycling is all the rage. Processed sewage in the United States is made into commercial products such as twinkies, ho-hos, and gob-stoppers, depending on its consistency and ingredients. While no diseases have been found in these foods yet (possibly because no one has checked), regular consumers have reported adverse health effects like "getting extremely fat."