Lawyer sues over underweight "Pound Cake"

In a bold move for the protection of consumer rights, Washington DC lawyer Royal Person is suing a local bakery for fraud following his purchase of an underweight "pound cake".

"Though advertised as 'pound cakes', I discovered that the product, including all packaging, is in fact only ¾ of a pound! It should have been sold as 'shortcake' or 'trois- quarts', not 'pound cake' or 'quatre-quarts' which would require a full imperial pound," Royal explained.

Citing the "unconditional" "Satisfaction Guaranteed!" label on the cake packaging, Royal filed suit against the Custom Confections bakery for $67 million dollars.

"My four cousins from Georgia were up visiting, and I promised each of them a pound cake - but thanks to the patently false advertising on this product, I came up a pound short!" Royal complained bitterly. Due to the blunder, his cousins fell short of the Georgia Recommended Daily Allowance of butter for that day, which is a ¼ pound.

After a preliminary hearing in which the judge suggested that $67 million might be excessive, Royal generously lowered his claim to $54 million. He is seeking $500,000 in attorney fees (to cover the one hour he spent preparing the case) and $2 million for "Southern discomfort, inconvenience at a 'convenience' store, and mental languish". The other $51.5 million will be put into a legal offense fund to help other DC lawyers sue local businesses.

"The goal is to sue every American business until they close their doors and move back overseas where they came from," Royal explained.

"With businesses out of the way, lawyers can take up their positions as the true pillars of our community."

His strategy is showing some success. The defendants, North Korean immigrants Sue Chung, Sue Jim Nam, and Sue K.Y. Jelly, have considered shuttering the bakery and returning to North Korea. "Life is better there," Sue explained, "More freedom. Less government oppression."

However, Person suffered a legal setback after his lawsuit was damaged by the drycleaners. He arrived in the judge's chambers in his birthday suit, but Judge Judy threw him out for "attempt to court".

Royal vowed to take the defendants to the cleaners in revenge. He succeeded in having the venue changed after Judge Judy recused herself due to a "conflict of disinterest". He nevertheless lost the case after the opposing council argued that the "satisfaction guarantee" only applied to satisfied customers.

"You... you... you wad of tortfeasors!" Royal bellowed at the defendants upon hearing the verdict. He was once more thrown out of court for "contemptuous retort". However, he has appealed, not willing to let this critical injustice stand.

Elsewhere in Washington, Vice President Dick Cheney has used the much publicized case to push for tort reform laws. "We need to make it easier to torture the enemies of America, American enterprise, and Royal Dutch Shell," Cheney said in a recent interview, adding that torture reminded him of his "Good old days" as House Minority Whip, at least before he learned what the job was really supposed to be.

"Right now," he explained further, "too many cases are being solved by litigation. More cases need to be solved through mutilation... I mean, mediation. As an alternative dispute resolution method, mutilation is cheap, effective, confidential, and binding. Also, it can be outsourced to Eastern Europe and other countries with higher oil prices and lower ethical costs. I like to say: the less media, the better my brand of 'mediation' works."