Secretary of Defense declares War on Ice

In a not-so-surprising move, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates called for a War on Ice Wednesday.

The move comes after an apparent terrorist attack by the ice on the secretary in front of his home. The ice threw him to the ground, presumably trying to disarm him after he gave it the cold shoulder, but only succeeded in breaking his funny bone. (His critics, however, have maintained that it was already broken.)

"I don't find anything humerus about this situation," Gates growled at a news conference in the Pentagon.

"This dangerous ice will be assaulted until nothing remains but puddles, then exsponged into oblivion!" he promised.

Gates checked in to the Walter Reed Small Arms Repair Shop where he was given injections of yellow bile to restore his humours. He was also given some phlegm to guard against spontaneous combustion, a common problem in the Bush White House.

Leaked documents from the nation's most secure facility indicate that the "War on Ice" will star Mickey Mouse and be produced by Disney, which has previous experience fighting Arabs (Aladdin), Ogres (Shrek), and the FCC (Touchstone Pictures). Other plans included an accelerated schedule for global warming, which has long been on the White House agenda. Burning all connections with the Democrats was proposed to expedite the process; however, there were found to be too few connections left to generate a sufficient smokescreen.

Pentagon theorists have debated on where the deadly ice might be coming from. Rumors have been circulating that, after consulting an atlas, they have identified Iceland as the terrorist stronghold. A flotilla of Navy ships has been launched in that direction, armed with the feared Gingrich Newt, which blows enough hot air to melt a baked Alaska. Next door Greenland, however, has largely escaped suspicion due to a much more clever advertising department.

Some critics have questioned Bush's ability to wage war in all four hemispheres simultaneously. However, the president expressed confidence at a recent news soliloquy:

"We will be victorious against this slippery foe. We will chase this ice to the ends of the earth... to the north and south poles, if necessary, because those are the ends of the earth."

The Ross Ice Shelf retreated 5 meters upon hearing the announcement.