Welfare Recipients to Receive Christmas Bonus

One of society's most under-appreciated minorities, those who rely on government generosity rather than on jobs to make a living, will finally be getting an easy-earned incentive.

"It is about time we paid back some of America's most forgotten unemployees for all the hard work they haven't done," President Elect Obama announced on Wednesday. He denied that the incentive was a "reward" for welfare voter loyalty, even though he won a landslide victory over McCain among TANF beneficiaries.

"The Obama campaign has always been about hope for hopeless causes. The fact that couch potatoes were first on the gravy train this year is a mere coincidence," an Obama aide explained.

The Christmas bonuses will be paid for by a Christmas tax hike on those who choose to earn their income through working, sometimes called "suckers".

"The hardest part about not working is figuring out what to do with all your free time!"

Reba, five year welfare veteran

"I'll be paying off my holiday tax hike by working through Christmas! Ho ho ho!" exclaimed Fred, a regional sales manager, enthusiastically. He added that he was supportive of all lifestyle choices, even those who chose not to win their bread in the traditional fashion.

The stock market declined 200 points after the announcement, to close at -45. However, the standard indices may not be an accurate representation of the economic stimulus provided by the bonuses, as welfare is also an under-represented occupation in the Dow Jones, S&P 500, and NASDAQ exchanges. First time cable subscriptions as well as sales of rhinestone-studded jeans and lottery tickets both were up according to industry analysts.

The bonuses seem to have been well received by their recipients. "I've been on government assistance for five years," explained Reba from Texas, "And I've watched all of my working friends get bonuses year after year. It's about time I got one!"

However, the bonuses have also accentuated the age-old question of welfare.

"The hardest part about not working," she continued, "is figuring out what to do with all your free time!"

The food stamps website (eat4free.com) recommended that bonus recipients help spread the cheer through caroling. For readers unfamiliar with the tradition, they offered sample tunes, including the perennially popular "Give me Dough":

The workforce out there is frightful;

The welfare in here - delightful!

As long as you'll pay me so,

I won't go! I won't go! I won't go!

It doesn't show signs of stopping,

Though the housing bubble's a-popping.

Though the stock market's way down low,

Pay me so! Pay me so! Pay me so!

When she finally turns eighteen,

How I'll hate going back into debt.

But if we have a few between,

All of my life I'll be set!

The country is slowly dying,

And, my dear, we're not even trying,

But as long as you'll pay me so,

I won't go! I won't go! I won't go!