Spam linked to Global Warming

Unsolicited bulk email, also known as "spam", has been conclusively linked to global warming, the Alliance for Climate Protection announced by email Wednesday.

"Global warming and spam have both been invented and have grown dramatically in the past three decades," Alliance for Climate Protection founder Al Gore stated in a widely circulated and critically acclaimed "Inconvenient Email". "There is no way that these two are not related," the unsolicited message concluded.

The Alliance tracks the amount of global warming, atmospheric carbon dioxide, and spam by monitoring scientific journals such as Nature, Science, and Cosmopolitan. In 2006, global warming increased by 37 articles, carbon dioxide by 22, and spam by 512,374. The Alliance also published a cool graph showing the obvious upward trend in all three categories. However, our trial subscription to MATLAB has expired, so we are unable to reproduce it here. If you draw three jagged lines on the back of an envelope, that is about what it looked like.

The Alliance urged all Americans to recycle spam instead of throwing it away. "You know that there is some lonely person out there somewhere who would love to get that spam you are just throwing away," an Alliance spokesgrandma chided, "before you toss that spam out, remember, there is a deprived person in Ethiopia who doesn't have any."

The "spam gap" is one of the most egregious disparities in the modern world. An estimated 10% of the world's population receives over 90% of the spam. The Kyoto Text Transfer Protocol (kttp://) called for a narrowing of this gap, but it was rejected by the US Congress and other big oil companies.

The Alliance cited education as being the key to reducing spam waste. "People think that when you hit 'delete', all that spam just goes to a magic bit-bucket in the sky. Well, it doesn't," the email pointed out. In fact, discarded spam is sent to giant spamfills - Rhode-island and Connecticut sized arrays of multiple independent disks. It takes centuries for the magnetic domains to biodegrade.

The primary spamfill for New York City, Fresh Spamkills, is already full. The Fresh Spamkills server is so large it can be seen from China with a bluetoothed cell phone. The City Digital Sanitation Department is considering proposals to ship the incoming spam to foreign countries, like New Jersey.

Some environmentally-minded computer users have taken to saving all their spam in a folder, and then dragging it into the 'recycle bin'. This does not actually recycle the spam, the Alliance email warns. Presently, the only way to recycle spam is to send it to someone else. The Department of Commerce has proposed a recycling code designation to make spam easier to sort and recycle to the appropriate recipients. The categories include: 1. Various body part enlargement emails, 2. "Sock puppet stock is about to go through the roof!" emails, 3. "You've just won $1 million! Click here!" emails, 4. "I am the queen of Djibouti, and I want to marry you," emails, 5. "There's plutonium in your beer!" emails, 6. random words in some random order, and 7. unclassifiable. However, the Associated Spammers Association, the largest professional spammer's association in America, has opposed the move, and it is not currently implemented.

The Conservative reaction has generally been to deny that spam and global warming exist. One group in Kansas, the Church of the Flaming Spam Misnomer (FSM), has successfully fought to have all spam and mention of spam removed from the public school system email system and cafeteria. Other conservatives have admitted that spam exists, but blamed blame-sponge Al Gore for it. "Since Al Gore invented the internet, he also invented spam," W Ketchup CEO Dan Oliver commented. Gore invented the internet for his 2000 presidential campaign. George W Bush also tried to claim credit, noting that many popular domain names begin with a "W" or three, but later rescinded the claim when he learned that the primary uses of the internet were downloading pornography, stealing music from big corporations, and bashing conservatives.

In 2005, "sending spam" replaced "shouting obscenities at other drivers" as the most popular form of unsolicited communication in the United States. US spam production for that year was estimated at 17 trillion units, and it was both our top export and import. Worldwide, processing spam uses more server time than any other computer activity.