Wisconsin grows icicles to combat global warming

In an effort to diversify its cheesy image, the state of Wisconsin has began growing icicles as a winter crop. The icicles may help slow the spread of global warming theories.

"When's the last time you walked out into a sweltering hot day and there were icicles on your window?" the governor pointed out in a recent press conference. "Wherever you have icicles, it's never much above freezing," he concluded.

The state department of agriculture is predicting a gutter crop of icy stalactites this year. Farmers were briefly concerned when a recent heat wave caused the temperature to rise to 40 degrees below zero, but no permanent damage seems to have been done.

"This is an ingenious way of exporting Wisconsin's most salient feature - cold," a department spokeswoman pointed out. The harvested icicles are being exported to global warming hotspots like Tennessee.

Local residents have largely applauded the effort. "They just grow everywhere, like upside-down weeds," one resident noted in a Fargo-like accent. With a growing season of 270 days a year, Eau Claire, Wisconsin is the "icicle capital of the world", attracting connoisseurs from as far away as Altoona.

The department of health has also supported the idea, promoting icicles as a healthier alternative to the traditional Wisconsin diet of cheese and beer. Icicles have zero calories, no saturated fat, and no preservatives. However, they do not keep well in the fridge.

The move comes on the heels of disappointing results from the state ethanol industry. Despite presumptuously placing an ear of corn on the state quarter, the ten-day Wisconsin growing season has proved too short for efficient corn production. Wisconsin's arch-enemy, Iowa, has continued to dominate the corn manufacturing industry (although cornhustlers from Nebraska have been encroaching on their turf). Furthermore, it has been found that ethanol itself is a heavy producer of green house gases. They are also produced in blue houses. Environmentally sensitive local residents have responded by drinking all of the available ethanol, thereby preventing it from contaminating the atmosphere. Budweiser has recognized their patriotism by featuring them on their "everyday heroes" advertising campaign.

In a further boon to the industry, researchers at the University of Madison have recently demonstrated genetically-modified icicles that grow straight up like frozen asparaguses. This would result in a major increase in production, as they could be harvested mechanically from Zambonis with ice sickles. The new franken-cicles have not yet been FDA certified as safe for human consumption, however. A more ambitious plan to grow icicles at room temperature out of Ice-nine™ has been frozen over concerns that it would end all life on earth, and also because Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.'s patent on it may not yet be expired, and several other minor technical details.